KEEP THE LOVE RELATIONSHIP FIRES BURNING

Now, I enjoy braaing or, as the foreigners would say, having a barbeque, but I must confess that I am not skilled at making good fires. It is either too hot or it starts to die on me.

On a cold winters evening there is nothing as warm, cozy and romantic as a great big wood fire burning away, warming the whole place and making everybody feel, safe and comfortable.

A braai is always a nice social event, with a fire going, everybody standing around enjoying it and chatting away, laughing and nobody worrying about their tax or problems. “Why,” you and I ask?  Because the fire is creating the atmosphere of laughter, smiles and jokes flying around. There is a buzz, and if you want to keep the atmosphere, make sure the fire is burning even after the meat and food is done. Even a weekend away camping, after supper a nice big bon fire is beautiful. You can cuddle up with your loved one and not say a word yet love is in the air.

Some years ago Patsy and I went to a braai. It was a lovely home in a beautiful setting. With the fires going and everyone standing around talking and braaing, not all had cooked their meat yet when the fire started going out. The host and his friends tried everything to get it going but to no avail. Eventually, there were about three coals left. One of the guests came forward and said, “Let me try”. The first thing he did was move everybody away from the fire so that he had room to work with no interference. He then took a small spade and gently started moving ashes and dead coals away until the area around the coals was clean. No, he didn’t kill the coals and start a new fire; he took a piece of wood and an axe and started cutting small pieces of wood which he placed gently on the three remaining coals. He stepped back, bent forward and started blowing gently on the coals until the  wood started burning and in no time the fire was at full strength. Wow, what a story! But doesn’t this remind you of relationships and marriages in general?  The minute the fire starts dying and there are only two or three coals left we kill the love coals and move on to another relationship where you think the fire is burning.

 One of the reasons I believe the love fires die is because they were never set alight on the right foundation and by that I mean sex.  Sex is not a foundation that can keep love fires going it is based on feelings and thrills. Part of the real foundation is love, trust, commitment, caring and sharing till death us do part.

 Here are some tips on getting that dying fire in your relationship back on track:

(The first thing the man did when he was going to revive the coals was move the people away so they couldn’t interfere with his restorations plan)                                                        

1 This is exactly what couples must do.  Don’t get everybody involved with your relationship they are not professional so whatever advice they give is out of sympathy or sentiment which is nice but not constructive.

(The second thing he did was he took a little spade and cleared all the dead coals and burnt wood and exposed the three burning coals.)

2 Once again this is what the couples must do. Take time with yourself and then with your partner and scratch away all your hurts and disappointments. Write notes to each other, not with e-mail or sms, I said, write a note, explain what is bothering you, and say sorry where necessary so that you can work with the “coals.” If you can’t sort it out on your own see a counselor.

(The third thing the man did was take a piece of wood and cut it into tiny pieces and placed them gently on the three coals and then blew on the coals.)

3 The tiny pieces of wood represent laughter.  One of my favourite songs says “I want to get drunk on your laughter.”  Wow! What a statement!  When last did this happen to you and your partner? Another piece of wood is respect and another is caring.  Love unconditionally.  I always say “Love is not just a feeling; it is also an act of our will.”

In closing I want to tell you something about a friend of mine who loves watches, he will buy a watch for R2000 and when he is finished bragging about it you would think it is worth R5000.  While listening to him I realized we have bragging right on our partners, how many times have you heard someone bragging about their partner?                            

 FROM THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG WILLY

 For Personal comments E-mail me at info@willyconradie.co.za

THE

   P P P   

                Problem Solver.            

One of the most heart wrenching things that I see and hear about in relationships is when a couple have a disagreement they immediately attack the first two P P’s  [which is Personality and Person] the war really begins. It reminds me of  the movie [War of the Roses]

We now enter into calling each other names and bringing up character flaws.  Families get dragged in and each others past is flaunted and on and on this goes.  Let me say that this is not just restricted to couples but brothers and sisters, friends, employers, employees or anybody with a personality or that is a person.

Now comes the reality of my problem solver.  While the Personality or the Person is being attack ed the third P [the real Problem] is standing on one side watching this incredible debacle taking place and it is not being addressed.  Now this is where the whole thing goes wrong!  By now the couple that are involved in this argument are so hurt, disgusted and disappointed with each other it feels like their  hearts are broken. 

Here is my point, the third P, Mr. Problem, or the Problem is standing on the side and saying “guys what are you doing? I am the problem, I am the one that caused this argument but I am not being touched or addressed” and he is waving his arms in despair and is saying “why didn’t you address me and sort me out so you can get on with your relationship and life?”  Instead you took on the innocent two PP’s and left the third P the real Problem alone.

In closing let me say if there is a disagreement Please don’t take on the Person or the Personality because you are taking on some one special and unique, but go for the Problem and sort it out once and for all.                                                          

From: The Relationship Watchdog  WILLY            

HUGGING VERY IMPORTANT

Most of us have some type of difficulties in expressing ourselves or we just don’t share our feelings enough with the people close to us. Often it’s all because our western culture has this peculiar way to emphasize solidness and individualism in our behavior. One way to enrich communication, and at the side the best and sometimes even the worst parts of our lives, is hugging.

Hugging is one of the most complex and many sided ways of communication. Through hugs we can spread our spoken language to the language of wider expression. In different hugs we may speak of security, confidence, trust and sharing in a manner that no words can tell. In these ways hugging someone may also do well for one’s self -esteem. “WOW, he/she is accepting me just the way I am!” The precious moments of living also gets a new significance when we add hugs into them. 

This article explains hugging in a general way now let’s narrow this down to our partners.  I agree with this article that some people enjoy hugging and others don’t.  But let that be as it may, it doesn’t change the fact that hugging has a beautiful  language all of its own.

Through the years I have seen people hug someone and watched their partner looking on with a longing heart as if to say “don’t forget me I wouldn’t mind one of those hugs every now and then, but more “now” than sometime in the future.”

My wife and I can’t dance and often we go to weddings and functions where they dance and we watch in amazement as two people hold each other gently and glide across the floor in harmony with delight and a broad smile, enjoying themselves.  You can see the difference between the ones that have had lessons and those that haven’t. You are saying “Willy what has this got to do with hugging.” My point is, if you want to hug you don’t need lessons, anybody can hug. You just have to make up your mind if you are one of those that does not hug easily.  Go ahead and give it a try, you could be pleasantly surprised and you might even enjoy it!  You just have to watch a baby when you give them a cuddly toy they put it on there little chest and hug it for all they are worth. My point is hugging, kissing, holding hands, loving and personalities is inborn.  It is part of our standard issue let me say that some personalities do find it easier to hug and love than the other personality. I must also add that our upbringing can also be a influence if there wasn’t much hugging and loving   in the home.       

A hugging Tip: 

Our first priority when we get home after a long day is find our partner and give them a nice kiss and a big hug it will definitely help your stress levels, even if you don’t like hugging do try it for your partner, you might still like it!

FROM: THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG – WILLY

In the last couple of months I have been made aware of how much trouble the marriages  and relationships are really in.  Many of the couples I see seem to be in such a dead lock of disappointment, anger and mistrust, then frustration sets in and then comes that dreaded word that I really dislike and it is Incompatible.

The Oxford Dictionary explains it as: 1. Incapable of living or existing together in harmony: conflicting. 2. Opposed in nature or quality: inconsistent. WOW!! what impressive English words explaining what? Absolutely nothing,

It has become an escape hatch. When love was in the air and sex was good and new ground was being established the word ‘Incompatible’ was nowhere to be found.  It was just plain WOW!  Hey guys or girls this is it I found my partner!   Let me say that sex has no foundation to build a love relationship from so, after one day, two days, two weeks or a couple of months that so called wonderful sex  will start  to dwindle and doubt will set in and at about this time it is over. (Let me say that I am not opposed to sex I think it is a wonderful experience, in fact, marvelous if love is already establish and a strong foundation has been set then sex is the rounding off of true love.

Let’s get back to this ‘escape hatch or fire escape’ word ‘Incompatible’ that is exactly what this word is.  When there is trouble and the relationship is in trouble without trying to work it out the couple just have no fight left, so into play comes ‘we are Incompatible’ and everybody buys it, even the court, and the judge says because of this you are divorced!! 

I think we have to start respecting our partners.  Being in a relationship or marriage is a gift, a privilege. To have someone to share their life with, to love, care and be there for you no matter what.  That means when we speak to each other we need to do it with respect and love, and when we are angry we need to guard our mouth and language that we don’t say things that are hurtful and throw abusive words at each other and then a little while later we want to be intimate.  This is where hatred and resentment comes from.  It is like taking a  feather pillow, cutting a hole in it and shaking it into the wind and when all the feathers are out you decide you want them back  Let me say that this is impossible so be very careful what you say to each other because you can not retract  hateful words.

 In every couple there is one that says sorry and one that doesn’t one that will easily say thanks and one that doesn’t, one that likes to be touched and hugged and cuddled and is very sensitive and the other one doesn’t need to be touched cuddled or hugged as much as their partner and isn’t as sensitive.  This is why it is so important to know your own personality and your partner’s personality so that you can understand each other better and hold each other accountable without feeling threatened or misunderstood.

Our privilege as couples is that we can laugh together or cry together, have fun or be sad together and share that gift that comes from loving couples.      

My next blog will be the last one on dating in relationship (Hugging).

FROM THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG REGARDS WILLY

Through the years of counseling I have noticed that one of the first things that disappear in relationships is kissing.  Some years ago I woke up one morning and asked my wife what was missing in our marriage, something we used to do and don’t do anymore with surprise she said “I don’t know.”  Well I said I don’t either but I will find out.  About three weeks later I got out of bed and went down the passage and then it clicked, I went back to the room and said “I know! when did we stop kissing good morning? and Pat said “I don’t know”  but we both realized that we had stopped kissing good morning. 

Now I know the morning is not really the time to give a open mouth kiss but you can give a closed mouth kiss and a hug, after all, you have just spent the night together and this is a kiss and a hug of appreciation for being able to share the relationship and night together. This is your partner and lover after all!!     

Kiss more, and kiss longer.  That’s what some researchers are advising as the health benefits of kissing are revealed.

Matthew Messina, DDS, a dentist and consumer advisor for the American Dental Association,  says the extra saliva produced during kissing washes bacteria off your teeth, which can help break down oral plaque. Bryant Stamford, PhD, director of the health promotion center at the University of Louisville notes kissing can help you lose calories. “During a really, really passionate kiss,” he says, “you might lose two calories a minute – double your metabolic rate.” Others claim that kissing exercises the facial muscles.

Stress relief is another health benefit of kissing. Psychologist Joy Davidson, PhD, likens kissing to meditation. “It stops the buzz in your mind, it quells anxiety, and it heightens the experience of being present in the moment. It actually produces a lot of the physiological changes that meditation produces,” she says.  The fact that kissing leads to touching is also a good thing.  Touching and massaging release oxytocin, a hormone known to have a calming effect on the body.

Source: Soundmedicine

WebMD explains many of the physiological effects kissing can have on the body, from boosting immunity to burning calories.

The Top 10 Health Benefits of Kissing…

Have been documented in medical studies offering amazing advantages for a long and healthy life.

1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.
2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.
3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to loose an entire extra pound! It’s time to start that kissing diet!
4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.
5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.
6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol.
7. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.
8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.
9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the ‘noise’ in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.
10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine.

       I hope these kissing tips are useful so please start kissing again and fall in love again       
        and start your romance all over again. It is fun!!!!

        There is numerous sites on Kissing keep searching.(bestkisses@gmail.com)

        I will talk about hugging in my next blog

         FROM: THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG – WILLY     

 One of the areas where couples fail is the way that they talk to each other with no respect, it seems as though they are always in cross mode or just plain angry with each other.  My question is “how do you get intimate with your partner with this type of mind set?”

(1)   We go into the relationship with lots of love and then  turn it into a business deal in you do that and I do this so if one of us does not do our job the other partner can complain, instead of being a team. ‘Team work’ means we ‘work together’ as a team and where one is weak the other one in strong.

(2)   How much romance is in a couple’s planning?  From what I can see in couples, very little. Patsy and I made a decision nearly 35 years ago that I believe has helped our relationship tremendously, and that was, that we went out one night a week on a date, just to be alone and concentrate on each other.  I don’t believe anyone can relax at home because there is always something that needs your or your partner’s attention.  Plan romantic weekends away and surprise each other every now and then with a special romantic surprise.   

(3)   I am going to address one of the subjects that I am very passionate about and that is, Holding hands.

The dictionary describes it as:

A promise or pledge, as of marriage: He asked for her hand in marriage.

  Hold hands, to join hands with another person as a token of affection: They have

been seen holding hands in public.

I am amazed at how few couples hold hands these days!

I believe that when you are stressed or worried there is therapy in holding hands without one saying a word because I believe that when you hold hands there is an  unspoken communication.

In Louis Luyt’s Autobiography he said that when he came out from a very strenuous meeting he would get into the back seat of his car next to his wife and just hold her  hand and without saying a word they would draw strength from each other..

There is so many opportunities for couples to hold hands but, they don’t use it and the reason is that they don’t understand how important this act is.  Your partner is the most important person in your life, or at least should be, and you have the privilege to walk down the street and hold his or her hand.  What a privilege.

Holding hands often is a sign of security, comfort, trust and closeness.

The younger generation, meaning the younger couples, are of the impression that holding hands is only for old people. Ok young generation,  I challenge you today to break this myth and get with the program, and start holding that beautiful partner of yours’ hand and be pleasantly surprised.  Become more in touch with your partner.  

My next subject will be Hugging and Kissing

From: The Relationship Watchdog – Willy

When dealing with dating in a relationship there has to be a few issues that must  be sorted out.  Firstly you have to look back and see what are the things in your past that needs some serious attention. (To know more e-mail me personally info@willyconradie.co.za)

When a couple get together in a relationship or marriage, within no time, they settle down into a routine of what job is yours and  what is mine, and boy don’t do it and the other way and partner lets you know.  Willy, why mention this?  Because from here on  the stalemate starts to settle in and slowly it is goodbye to holding hands, kissing and even romance.

In every partnership one of the couple is the one that does most of the caring and the one that almost always says sorry!

Here is a real chapter on Sorry.   

   The Great Escape (SORRY)

he biggest escape route in a relationship is the word “sorry.” Oh how amazing this five letter word has become, and how much arguing it has caused.

What an escape route it has become for partners who find themselves in trouble. “Sorry, sorry, but I said sorry, didn’t you hear or are you deaf?”

Amazing how this word has rescued couples’ hides. How do you argue with that? You cannot and so the whole “sorry” story starts again. The next time they do something wrong, they forget the previous time, and guess what – It is Mr “Sorry” to the rescue.

By now both partners are aware of Mr “Sorry.”

I’ve often thought about this word “sorry” – It’s nice if a partner says sorry, but if a partner repeatedly says sorry and doesn’t work with the problem, then that becomes a problem.

Mr. “Sorry” has been around for many years, long before you and I arrived.

My point is that we have to realize “sorry” is very relevant if the person means it, but if it is used just as an escape route, then that is when the word “sorry” is very dangerous.

Sorry is real when done with conviction and real honest repentance, and not just as a weapon to escape your conscience.

I wrote this article some years ago before I understood personalities the way I do now, and it would be important to tell you that certain personalities find it easier to say sorry than the other.  If you want to know more contact me on my e-mail.

My next blog will deal with ways to Date.

From: The relationship watchdog. WILLY   

Having worked with couples as long as I have, to me there has always been something missing in their relationships.  An example:  you can always see a couple that has just met, and, man there is love in the air. They can’t let go of each other, they are laughing at silly little things and catching the odd kiss in public, oblivious of who is watching, after all they are in love.  

Then, the next move is to move in with each other to which I am totally against, or get married with which I agree.  Come some months or years later and that same couple walks past or you meet them at some place and now there is a totally different scene.  No more holding hands, no more silly giggling love, life has taken on a new meaning.  In most cases one of the faces will show a little disappointment.  What has changed? 

My personal belief is three things:

• Firstly, sex has lost its excitement. (Because sex is NOT a foundation for love, it is an experience or a happening).

• Second, we have started taking each other for granted.

• Thirdly, we have stopped Dating, yes, I said dating or courting or romancing each other.                    

More on dating to follow.

FROM: THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG. WILLY.

The father came home from work as usual. He was tired, grumpy and irritable. Waiting for him was his happy son, who greeted him with a smile.

Immediately the father responded with an angry voice and said “Leave me alone, I’m tired.” Sheepishly the son whispered to his dad, “How much do you earn for one hour at your work?” With a stern voice the dad said “Twenty Rand, now go to your bedroom.” The boy disappeared, only to re-appear a little while later. In a whisper, he asked, “Can you lend me ten Rand please?” “No!” said the father, “Now go to bed.”

 Feeling bad, the father went up to his son’s room, and sat down on the bed. “Here is the ten Rand that you wanted.” The boy sat straight up with a big smile and immediately reached under his pillow and took out change to the value of ten Rand.

When the father saw this he was angry and said, “Why did you want to borrow ten Rand when you already have money?” The little boy said “I only have ten Rand saved, and together with the ten Rand you lent me, I will have twenty Rand. That means I can buy one hour of your time.”

The father was flabbergasted and realized how he had neglected his only son.

 Don’t let this be your experience! This story shows how important family life really is.

 FROM: THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG. REGARDS WILLY.

REMEMBER E-MAIL ME PERSONALLY AT info@willyconradie.co.za.

The more I work with couples in relationships,  the more I realize how important a good relationship is to the community and the country.  The one area that to me is disturbing is how the children are suffering.  Even if the couples don’t split, the children are in deep trouble because of all the fighting and anger between their parents.  Many children, not all, but a big majority don’t know what a happy home is all about, parents don’t communicate they go their separate ways, do there own thing and  very little is done  together as a family.

Now you are saying Willy “What are you talking about,” let me answer this by asking a question “how many children can say their parents speak nicely to each other and how many children can say they always see their parents holding hands and kissing each other hallo and good bye or just a sneaky little kiss every know and then?  How often do they hear their parents laughing together at silly things?  Do they hear their mom and dad saying “thank you” to each other or are they just used to their parents taking each other for granted?  Is there love oozing between them or just anger and disappointment?

NOW MY next question is, what chance have the children of this generation of having a happy and lovable home if they don’t know what a happy  marriage or relationship is all about?  Their perception of a relationship is the one they grew up with.  

Many couples I counsel are having problems and some of the problems are definitely from their memories of what happened in their childhood.

Parents it is vital you get your act together your children are watching!!

My next posting on my blog will be a story of a boy and his dad. (You can contact me directly if you have any questions) on my e-mail info@willyconradie.co.za.

FROM: FROM THE RELATIONSHIP WATCHDOG. REGARDS WILLY